TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer everyone a suite over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It is that he should really quit using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the undertaking, replied, "You realize, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head visible from Area, a feature becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after getting the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting focus from international buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll acquire 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even include:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to check out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge exactly where my PTSD can have switch-down assistance."


A further submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."

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